Sabotage and FFT

I think my scale secretly has it out for me.

Hi, my name is Briana and I'm a scale addict. I admit it (don't mock me). I weigh myself every morning, before I go to the bathroom, after I go to the bathroom, before I workout, after I workout, with clothes on, without clothes on, and sometimes for good measure I just do it after I've put my makeup on to see if I wear too much. I don't, FYI. There are multiple times during the week that I am fully convinced I am going to gain weight that week and some weeks it really does happen, but there are those normal fluctuations in weight that sometimes give me false alarms. Little did I know my scale has been messing with my head this entire time!!!

Today is obviously Fat Free Tuesday so after my workout this evening I came home and weighed in. This is what I saw.



That would make only a loss of .2 this week. I didn't say anything, mostly just made a face and got into the shower. The Husband could obviously tell I was mad. He just said "it's still a loss" and in my head I thought yeah yeah shut up. I love you, Husband! I was really hoping this would be the week I'd break into the 160s. Never ever did I imagine I was going to be in the 160s! And apparently I was right. That's why I was mad. So after my shower because I was angry and because I am a scale addict (I already admitted it you don't need to roll your eyes) I got back on the scale to double check. And this is what I saw.



That's a loss of .6 for the week! That's like a half pound difference! No way did I have a half pound of sweat caked onto my body and I magically lost that weight just in the shower. THE SCALE! It has been secretly plotting against me. Its like it knows every time I step on the scale and just laughs and gives me any random number it freaking feels like. I'm not gonna lie to you, I think if my scale were a Transformer it would be a Decepticon. (The Husband and I have been watching those movies lately, once again, don't mock me!).

What if my starting weight really wasn't as high/low as I thought? What if I haven't gained weight as many weeks as I thought? My whole life is a lie. Or maybe just my love/hate relationship with my scale. You think you know someone....

Loss: .6

Total Loss: 65.6 lbs

I'm running my very first Half Marathon this weekend. I am more than a little nervous about it. So while you're all asleep at 5 am this saturday, try and say a little prayer for me (in your dreams) and send me lots of good mojo and no cases of IBS.

Differences and FFT

I think it's pretty obvious that when someone loses a significant amount of weight there are going to be differences in their body. Its weird for me to look back at how heavy I was and realize that I honestly didn't think I was that heavy. I would look at other women and think there was no way I looked as big as they did. I might weigh the same but I was definitely healthier and not really that overweight. FALSE. Somehow my own perspective of myself was very tainted and I'm so grateful that I now know what I didn't know then. Since losing weight I have noticed a few things that are significantly different and thought I'd write about them.

1. My relationship with The Husband is better. The Husband and I have always had a good relationship, even when I was heavy. But through this journey I have learned to love myself and therefore am capable of a greater love for others, particularly him. We are able to do more physical activities together without me feeling like an idiot. I can totally keep up with him! And since my physical body has changed, let's be honest, our physical relationship has changed too. For the better *wink wink*

2. My relationship with my girls has changed. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was a "bad mom" when I was heavy but I would say I was a less involved mom. Now I am much more willing to be on the floor playing with the girls and even go outside and play on the playground with them. I'm more physically active and because of that I'm more active with them. A family who plays together stays together. Cheesy but true, friends.

3. I can sing better! If any of you know me even slightly you know I love to sing. It's just what I do. I never realized it but all that extra weight I was carrying was really inhibiting my ability to breathe well and therefore sing! Now I feel like singing and even belting out notes is a breeze!

4. I am happier. I wasn't really depressed or anything before but I think my weight definitely had a constant effect on my mood without my realizing it. Now I get crabby if I haven't worked out that day.

5. I am more confident. Kind of an obvious one but still true. Yes I am more confident in my physical appearance but I am also more confident in my mental capabilities as well. I have set goals and achieved them. I have completed tasks I never thought my physical body would be capable of. I honestly believe that I can do anything I want to.

These are obviously just a few of the major changes that have come with this journey for me. I'm so happy that I've been able to achieve these goals and to make these changes. And they aren't just temporary things either, these changes are for good now.

On to FFT...





Loss: 1.4 lbs

Total loss: 65 lbs!!

Today's weigh in brings my weight loss to an even 65 lbs lost. I feel pretty darn good about that. And it also means I only have 20 lbs more to meet my ultimate goal. That's pretty exciting to think about. Such a long process and I'm beginning to see the light!

Running and FFT

I had a horrible couple of days as far as calories go. Not because I ate too many calories but because I was just HUNGRY. There are honestly those days that you just can't get full and I unfortunately got a couple in a row. Luckily, today was better and I didn't need to be constantly eating. But those couple days do show up in my weight loss for the week.



Loss: .5

Total Loss: 63.5 lbs


In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings I began really thinking about why I started running. And honestly why I kept running. I always used to hate it and somewhere along the way it became something that I truly love. Then today someone posted this quote that was published in Runner's World today.

"Running is a sport of goodwill. It's the only sport in the world where if a competitor falls, the others around will pick him or her up. It's the only sport in the world open to absolutely everyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity or any other division you can think of. It's the only occasion when thousands of people assemble, often in a major city, for a reason that is totally peaceful, healthy and well-meaning. It's the only sport in the world where no one ever boos anybody."
-Roger Robinson, Runner's World, April 15th, 2013

After reading that I realized that it was putting into words exactly how I feel about running. I've never really been good at sports. I'm ok at most, really terrible at basketball but actually decent at volleyball. But never was I good enough to have anyone notice or set me apart. Running however makes me feel like I'm good at it. I may not be the fastest. I may not be the skinniest. I may not even be someone who has been running for my whole life. But no matter what when I put on those running shoes and step out for a run, I feel like I belong. Running is where I found my place in the fitness world and I hope that is where my place continues to be.

How do you keeping going?

I had quite the busy weekend. I was constantly going on saturday and with 2 girls who decided it wasn't fun to sleep more than an hour or so at a time I was absolutely exhausted when sunday finally came. I had to take that day to just rest and sleep. I definitely needed it.

Friday was a really big day for me. The Husband and I are gearing up for our half marathon in just a couple weeks. The Husband has run a half marathon before and he's also one of those people that can not run for weeks or months and then just go bust out 7 miles. He sucks is awesome. :) So we are doing the Provo Half Marathon and awesomely enough the first 8 miles or so of the course are coming DOWN the Provo canyon. That means lots of pounding on those knees and shins. So we've been doing a canyon run once a week to prepare our legs for what will be the torturous beginning of our race. We decided this week to combine our canyon run with our long run for the week. We ran 9 miles. 4.5 down the canyon and 4.5 on semi-flat road back to the car.

Whenever I go on a run there is always a voice in my head for the first 3-4 miles telling me that I'm not going to be able to go much further. Something tries to convince me that my legs hurt, or I can't breathe, or I just can't do it. About that time that my brain just shuts up I finally break through that wall of being able to just run and not have to think about it. Somehow it turns into autopilot and I honestly think I could keep going as long as my body didn't completely rebel against me. This run was no different. Those 4.5 miles down the canyon weren't awesome. Mostly because the downhill just SUCKS. My knees were begging me to just find flat road or run backwards or SOMETHING! And that is exactly why we're training for those downhill miles in the half. But after we finally got out of the canyon it was just a smooth ride from there.

At about mile 5.5 we ate our Gu. Gu is a thick, sticky, energy shot that is supposed to help your body keep energy up and have something to burn. I can honestly say it helps me quite a bit. I ate Chocolate Outrage flavor. It was tasty :)

About mile 7 I started to think about how amazing it is that I can even run 1 mile let alone 7, 8 and 9! Up until that run 7 miles was the furthest I had ever run at one time and that 7 was only the week before! 10 months ago I hadn't ever even run 1 mile without stopping and even then it was a 12-13 minute mile. I can't believe how far I've come and as I told The Husband that he told me how proud he is of me. He is more than supportive and has been throughout this entire journey but its so nice to hear that he's proud of me.



I felt so great when we finished. I have been sore the past couple of days but it hurts so good!

On saturday I was judging for the High School State Drama competition and got to talk with a girl about my weight loss. She asked me how I keep going. At the time I told her I honestly didn't know. There have been many weeks where I didn't lose weight or I gained weight when I could've just given up and stopped without reaching my goal but for some reason I didn't. There is something different about this time that isn't letting me give up. Now after thinking about it further I've decided the reason I don't give up is because of experiences like running those 9 miles. Because of all the weight I've lost I am capable of things I never thought I would be able to do. Because I have reached smaller goals such as running a 5k and losing 20 lbs, I KNOW I can reach my big goals of being 150 lbs, wearing size 8 jeans and running a half marathon. Each one of those milestones along the way makes a difference for me not only in my physical abilities but in my confidence. I KNOW I can do it. So I'm not giving up no matter how many bad days, weeks, months I have. This is going to happen no matter how long it takes.

Why do you keep going? What motivates you?

Guilt and FFT

Once again that time of the week has come. I feel like I had a pretty good week as far as calorie counting and exercise. I stuck with my calories every day except for Friday when I had a cheat meal for the week. I also got back into running for real and training for my first half marathon in just 4 weeks! I'm trying to up my mileage now without hurting my body in the process. So far so good. I really do love running.



Loss: 2.2 lbs
Total loss: 63 lbs

In case you're looking closely at the total loss numbers you might notice some discrepancies. My starting weight was 235.4. So more than really keeping that close of track of things I just remember what the starting weight was and subtract from there. I promise I'm not lying.

So I mentioned that I had a cheat meal on Friday. I had a wicked craving for Chinese food and decided it would be okay to have one high calorie meal for the week. I was trying really hard to be good with all the rest of my food choices and I had exercised every day. So The Husband and I took the girls and indulged. It was good. But as soon as I had finished eating (only half the food I was given for my entree) I immediately felt guilty. I hadn't even stuffed myself and I was feeling like I shouldn't have eaten even the small amount that I did. Do you ever feel that way? Is it just me?

I want to be able to reach my goal weight and then once I get there I want to be able to relax a little. Relax meaning not be AS strict but not go back to the way I used to eat/not exercise. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty if I decide to eat something fried or sugary. At what point do I decide that my sanity/emotional health is more important than a number on a scale? I'm scared that I'm going to reach that goal weight and not be satisfied with the work I've done and still not be happy with myself. It is unrealistic to say that I will never eat a lot pizza ever again. I would never ever promise myself I would never eat cookie dough again. So where do I find the balance for myself?

I apologize if this post just turned into a very negative one but I've been dealing with these emotions a lot lately. Am I doing this right? Any advice is more than appreciated. Have a good week :)

Formal, Easter, and FFT

The weeks go by so fast lately. I feel like I just weighed in last week and then I just had to do it again. I guess that's a good thing though otherwise this might feel like it is taking forever. Oh wait. It DOES feel like that.



Loss: 0
Gain: 1.8 lbs.
Total loss: 60 lbs.

So as you can see, I apparently didn't have an awesome week. I still got all my exercise in and my water every day but Saturday and Sunday weren't awesome as far as calorie counting. Especially with candy or sweets I've noticed my body definitely reacts strongly when I go out of my normal routine. I won't lie, I'm pretty bummed about the weight gain. Hopefully I can pick myself back up and have a better week this week. I'm not giving up yet.

Saturday was really fun for The Husband and I. We got to go to the BYU Traditions Ball. We dressed up all fancy, went to dinner and then spent the evening dancing. It was so fun. The Husband and I both took some ballroom dance classes while we were attending BYU and it was awesome to get to break out those moves again. I thoroughly enjoy having a husband who likes to dance with me.


Sunday was Easter, of course. My mom and step-dad were able to make a quick trip up from St. George to spend the holiday with us and my siblings. We all got together for dinner at a park and enjoyed the beautiful weather. And we of course enjoyed lots of junk food. Thus my not awesome weigh-in. It is so hard for me to stay on track with calories and food when I'm around my family. It's not anything they do, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. But somehow when we're together I end up eating so much more junk than I plan on. Habit maybe? Besides that it was great to spend time with all of them. I also loved getting the girls all dressed up in their Easter dresses. Too cute for words.