Emotional Journey

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a documentation of my weight loss journey and a place for people to look for commonality. We all need to/want to or know someone who needs to/wants to lose weight. It is a huge thing(no pun intended) in our community. I write down what happens because I want to be able to look back and know exactly what I went through and I want others to have someone to talk to and know they are going through the same struggles. With that being said, I want to talk about all parts of the weight loss process.

Weight loss is just as much an emotional journey as it is a physical one. When I was overweight I had terrible self-esteem. As the weight began to come off my self-esteem began to grow. I was more confident in myself and the way I looked. I have written previously that at some point that self-esteem that I had gained took a downward turn and suddenly I was right back where I started. Last time I posted I wrote that I was ready to start losing weight again and reach my goals. What I didn't realize at the time was that I wasn't in a good emotional state to begin my journey again. In fact I was in a rather terrible emotional state.

I was always the girl who could pretend to be pretty confident. I acted like I was very sure of myself but really very few people knew how self-conscious I really was. Especially when it came to my weight. As I lost weight I thought I had fixed my self issues. Then recently I had a few experiences that took my downward spiral into a straight downward plunge.

I do musical theatre as a hobby and also as a personal need. I love it. I have to do it. For the past few months I had been preparing for a specific audition. I wanted a specific part so badly. My dream role. I prepared for weeks and talked about the show and how cool it would be to be cast with another friend who also wanted and had a dream role in this particular show. To make sure I wasn't going to get my heart totally broken I also auditioned for another musical, just so I had more options. My auditions went ok, but not great apparently and I got called back to dance but not at all to sing for the part I wanted or any other featured role. I was broken. That friend (who is beautiful and greatly talented) got the role she wanted. I was absolutely mortified that I had even spoken with her about my desires and thought I could possibly have a chance at being cast.

The Husband and I bought a house. We were so thrilled with the deal we got, the neighborhood and the opportunity we had to make the house our own. It's little and has great potential but needs work. Some of our friends also bought a house. Their house is beautiful. It is much more expensive but just immaculate. I felt embarrassed showing them our house, and felt silly for even thinking our house was nice.

Now these little stories might seem like I am just jealous. And that emotion was definitely felt, don't get me wrong. But there was more to it than that. A lesson to be learned from both. I needed to find confidence in myself for real this time. Not just fake it. I may not have the things that other people have or the things that I want. I am not the most physically attractive person in the world. But I am confident in what I have. Somehow going through these hard experiences of comparing myself to other people made me come out a better, more self-confident, strong person. I know who I am and what I have. I love the things I have. I am so grateful for my husband and beautiful daughters. I love that I get to sing and dance on stage at all even if it's not my dream role or a lead. I am so grateful we have a house. Maybe someday we'll have a big and fancy one but for now this house is perfect and spunky just like our little family.

So, with those life lessons learned and my emotional health back in check I have decided to continue on my weight loss journey. Not for the sake of losing weight per say but because I set a goal. Yes, that goal had a weight number to achieve and I will still be aiming for that goal. But I also set the goal of reaching a normal BMI and body fat percentage. I don't want to have any reason to be ashamed of myself, including in front of doctors. And that is what I have decided to do in order to feel that way. So here goes! I'm excited and nervous because I know it will be hard. Lucky for me I have great family and friends who support me!