Starting Again

I'm ready. I have really taken these past 3 weeks to rebel against the things I've taught myself to be good at in the past year (exercising and eating well). I ate absolutely horribly and exercised twice a week if that. And I kinda loved it and hated it all at the same time.

That first week or so after I stopped weighing in I went down to St. George to spend time with my mom and I went running once in the 5 days I was there. It honestly felt so good to know that I didn't have to run or exercise to lose weight because I wasn't weighing in. I only had to exercise if I wanted to. Plus I got to spend time with my mom shopping and letting her spend time with my girls. Wonderful.

Then we bought a house! Holy stressful and exciting all at the same time. So being able to take time to do other things and not having exercising be my number one priority was definitely needed.

With all of that being said...I'm ready to get back to feeling good about my body. Not necessarily about how my body looks (that will come too) but about how I feel in my body. I want to feel strong and capable. I want to be in shape. And I want to reach the goals that I set for myself. I know I can do it.

So here goes!


I previously weighed in at 172.8 and I weighed in last night at 172.8! So not gaining any weight these past 3 weeks is great. No damage there to fix. So now I can truly focus on getting to goal weight and size.

Goals:
Exercise 5 times a week
Lift weights 3 times a week
1500 calories a day
70 oz of water a day

Let's do this!

Positively

Losing weight is a very tough thing. Its tough to start, it's tough to do and it's tough to keep off the weight you lose. While losing weight is a very positive choice, it is also full of a lot of negativity, at least in my case.

I chose to lose weight because I was overweight and along with being overweight I hated my body. The way I felt about myself effected everything I did and every relationship I had. That effect might not have been overwhelming but it was always there. After losing 50 lbs I started to like certain things about my body again. I liked how my arms had muscle definition. I liked that my stomach was flat again. I liked that my fingers were tiny and my wedding ring wasn't tight anymore. I even found more things to like when I lost 60 lbs.

Then somewhere around 65 lbs I started to forget about those things I liked about myself. I started focusing on the number on the scale and not how good I felt. My body started to look ugly to me again, never good enough.

Why is it, particularly as women, we feel inadequate? Think about what I had just done for a second (excuse my bragging momentarily). I had lost 65 lbs. I was capable of running for 2 hrs straight! I had reached multiple goals I had set. I was pretty amazing! And yet, even with all those positive things I had done and was capable of doing, I still felt like I was a little worthless.

This week in church someone gave an analogy that really hit home with me: When your child is learning to walk, do you scold them when they fall over? Of course not! They are beginning to learn and find their strength so you continue to encourage and support them. Our Heavenly Father is just like that with us. We are His children, even toddlers in His eyes and we are just learning. No matter what we do, how we fall, He is there to pick us back up and continue to encourage us.

That's what I've decided I need to learn. I need to forgive myself for making mistakes, falling over. I need to get back up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to continue to learn and grow.

So I'm concentrating on positive things. I want to find those things I like about myself again. So...here's a short list to start with.

1. I like my eyes. I think they're my best feature.
2. I like my singing voice. I'm not capable of ridiculous vocal feats but I'm good. :)
3. I like my hands. I think they're elegant.

Hopefully this list will continue to grow. I think that's exactly what I need to have happen before I can continue to get to a healthy weight.

Bit of a Break

I think I've posted before about how I want my mind set to change. There are a lot of times that I forget that I've lost weight and remember how unhappy I was being so overweight. Today was one of those days for me.

I attend a turbo kick class at a community health center. I absolutely love turbo kick. It is my favorite class that I go to every week and I love that it falls on tuesday nights so that after I sweat a ton I can go weigh-in. But the past 2 weeks I've had a hard time in the class. Its been difficult not because of the workout and how well I'm able to do it...but because of how I feel about the way I look. The class is a lot of jumping/dancing/kicking and we do it in front of a wall of mirrors. I realize that I have lost weight and I look about a million times better than I used to but while watching myself in those mirrors all I could think about was how fat I looked. Instead of feeling proud of myself for being able to do the entire 55 minutes of cardio without needing a break, I'm embarrassed because of how my body looks. I realize that a lot of the other women in the class and at the gym in general are probably more concerned with their own body image than looking at me but it doesn't make me any less self-conscious.

So tonight I came home and weighed-in and I had gained 3 lbs. After the Half Marathon on saturday we had a big birthday party for both of our girls. And then I proceeded to relax and eat poorly for the rest of the weekend. Not surprising that I gained weight. However, I did not need to see that number after already feeling fat at my class.

I have decided to take a break from the scale. I am going to continue to count calories and to exercise and do everything how I have been but I am not going to have an official weigh-in for a couple of weeks. I want to concentrate on the way my body feels and the way my clothes fit instead of a number. I want to feel good about myself and not judge my happiness level based on what that scale says every hour. I need to find the peace in being healthy and fit not just being a certain weight.

I will continue to post about my trials and successes so I hope you all continue to read, support and share your stories with me too. This is not at all the end for me and not me giving up either. This is me trying a new technique for a little while.

Provo City Half Marathon

I'm not honestly sure at what point I decided I wanted to run a half marathon. Probably about the time that I decided I was going to lose all of the weight I had gained and then some I knew that my life was going to change. But even after all that has changed in my life because of my weight loss and how my body has changed it is still completely amazing and wonderful to me that I was able to completely RUN 13.1 miles.

Saturday morning started bright and early. The race began at 7 AM and we had to be on a bus up to the start line up Provo Canyon by 5:30 AM at the latest. The Husband and I live about 40 minutes from Provo and we had to pick up The Husband's sister that morning too. So that meant our alarms went off at 3:30 AM. Holy cow I am not a morning person...but it was like this didn't even count as morning because it was SO early. We picked Niki up and then headed down to the buses. We were on one of the first 4 buses or so up the canyon.

Once we got to the start point they had about 8 fires going in the fire pits that were near the start. It was awesome that they had those fires going because it was seriously freezing and still dark outside. We got to the fires about 5:10 and just waited until 7:10 when the race started. We went to the bathroom and eventually walked around just to keep warm after getting pushed out of the crowds surrounding the fire pits. There was a bag drop for anything we weren't going to be running with but I didn't even think about wearing extra clothes and my legs and hands were totally freezing! I don't think I started feeling my hands until mile 3 or 4 of the race.

A little before the race started we met up with my brother, Ryan, and his bromance friend, Dave. They had signed up that week to run the race "with" us. Finally, we took some pictures, watched the full marathoners start their race at 7 AM, threw our bags onto the bus for the bag drop and lined up for the race to start!



It only took about a minute to reach the start line and then we were off. Ryan and Dave almost immediately went on ahead of us and Niki went behind us. The Husband and I stuck together...or more like The Husband stuck with me. I had told him a few times it would be ok if he went ahead cause he's so much faster but he told me even before we were running that he was going to stay with me the whole time. And he did. He's kinda awesome.

The first 8 miles or so of the race were down the canyon on a running trail. It was really pretty. And the weather was absolutely perfect. After the first 3 miles we found our rhythm and were mostly by ourselves. We had a couple women we kept leap frogging but we eventually lost them. I'm so grateful I had The Husband with me. About mile 9 I was just tired and wanted to stop...only I didn't want to stop because I promised myself I was going to RUN the whole thing. Having The Husband with me made sure I did that because I wasn't just accountable to myself but to him too.

For quite a while we had the 2:05 pacer right behind us (that's a runner that is running the race purely to help runners finish in the time they want to. They are required to run the whole thing and set the pace for those people with that goal time). He was very enthusiastic. He kept yelling things and saying "We are strong!" and once even said "Slow cars to the right!" I wanted to yell at him right back and tell him to shut up! If I was ahead of him then he was the slow one! Although...they did eventually pass us.

I kept telling myself I wasn't really that concerned with my time but I did have a goal of about 2 hrs 10 minutes or 2:10. At about mile 12 the 2:10 pacer passed us...and I won't lie, I was pissed. I tried to keep up with her and meet that goal but honestly it was just enough that I was running at that point.

As we came into the finish chute I got really emotional. I kept thinking about how amazing it was that I had just run 13 miles. I hadn't walked at all. I never ever thought I would be capable of something like that and I had just finished it. We crossed the finish line with The Husband's arm around me at 2:11:54. Averaged of a 10:04 minute mile. I am honestly so completely happy with that time. Especially for it being my first Half Marathon.



I was crying. I was so happy and so proud of myself. My mom was at the finish line with my girls and my sister. And The Husband's family was there too. Plus Ryan and Dave stayed to see The Husband and I finish(only 40 minutes behind them haha)! I was so happy to have my family there to support me. It was so important to me to reach this goal and it was everything I hoped it would be. I'll definitely be doing one again.



I was also so proud of Niki for running the entire race and making her goal of under 3 hours! She had only run up to 5 miles before the race and she ran the whole time! She even met a friend that helped her make it. So proud!

On a side note-One of the blogs that I follow Runsforcookies.com does a series called Motivational Mondays. She has people post on her facebook wall or email her with their accomplishments from the week. This week I decided to send in my picture and brag a little about the half marathon and she used my picture in her blog post tonight! You guys should go check it out :) There's a link on the right hand side of my blog.

Thank you all for reading and continuing to support me. It is honestly the support I receive that keeps me going.

Sabotage and FFT

I think my scale secretly has it out for me.

Hi, my name is Briana and I'm a scale addict. I admit it (don't mock me). I weigh myself every morning, before I go to the bathroom, after I go to the bathroom, before I workout, after I workout, with clothes on, without clothes on, and sometimes for good measure I just do it after I've put my makeup on to see if I wear too much. I don't, FYI. There are multiple times during the week that I am fully convinced I am going to gain weight that week and some weeks it really does happen, but there are those normal fluctuations in weight that sometimes give me false alarms. Little did I know my scale has been messing with my head this entire time!!!

Today is obviously Fat Free Tuesday so after my workout this evening I came home and weighed in. This is what I saw.



That would make only a loss of .2 this week. I didn't say anything, mostly just made a face and got into the shower. The Husband could obviously tell I was mad. He just said "it's still a loss" and in my head I thought yeah yeah shut up. I love you, Husband! I was really hoping this would be the week I'd break into the 160s. Never ever did I imagine I was going to be in the 160s! And apparently I was right. That's why I was mad. So after my shower because I was angry and because I am a scale addict (I already admitted it you don't need to roll your eyes) I got back on the scale to double check. And this is what I saw.



That's a loss of .6 for the week! That's like a half pound difference! No way did I have a half pound of sweat caked onto my body and I magically lost that weight just in the shower. THE SCALE! It has been secretly plotting against me. Its like it knows every time I step on the scale and just laughs and gives me any random number it freaking feels like. I'm not gonna lie to you, I think if my scale were a Transformer it would be a Decepticon. (The Husband and I have been watching those movies lately, once again, don't mock me!).

What if my starting weight really wasn't as high/low as I thought? What if I haven't gained weight as many weeks as I thought? My whole life is a lie. Or maybe just my love/hate relationship with my scale. You think you know someone....

Loss: .6

Total Loss: 65.6 lbs

I'm running my very first Half Marathon this weekend. I am more than a little nervous about it. So while you're all asleep at 5 am this saturday, try and say a little prayer for me (in your dreams) and send me lots of good mojo and no cases of IBS.

Differences and FFT

I think it's pretty obvious that when someone loses a significant amount of weight there are going to be differences in their body. Its weird for me to look back at how heavy I was and realize that I honestly didn't think I was that heavy. I would look at other women and think there was no way I looked as big as they did. I might weigh the same but I was definitely healthier and not really that overweight. FALSE. Somehow my own perspective of myself was very tainted and I'm so grateful that I now know what I didn't know then. Since losing weight I have noticed a few things that are significantly different and thought I'd write about them.

1. My relationship with The Husband is better. The Husband and I have always had a good relationship, even when I was heavy. But through this journey I have learned to love myself and therefore am capable of a greater love for others, particularly him. We are able to do more physical activities together without me feeling like an idiot. I can totally keep up with him! And since my physical body has changed, let's be honest, our physical relationship has changed too. For the better *wink wink*

2. My relationship with my girls has changed. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was a "bad mom" when I was heavy but I would say I was a less involved mom. Now I am much more willing to be on the floor playing with the girls and even go outside and play on the playground with them. I'm more physically active and because of that I'm more active with them. A family who plays together stays together. Cheesy but true, friends.

3. I can sing better! If any of you know me even slightly you know I love to sing. It's just what I do. I never realized it but all that extra weight I was carrying was really inhibiting my ability to breathe well and therefore sing! Now I feel like singing and even belting out notes is a breeze!

4. I am happier. I wasn't really depressed or anything before but I think my weight definitely had a constant effect on my mood without my realizing it. Now I get crabby if I haven't worked out that day.

5. I am more confident. Kind of an obvious one but still true. Yes I am more confident in my physical appearance but I am also more confident in my mental capabilities as well. I have set goals and achieved them. I have completed tasks I never thought my physical body would be capable of. I honestly believe that I can do anything I want to.

These are obviously just a few of the major changes that have come with this journey for me. I'm so happy that I've been able to achieve these goals and to make these changes. And they aren't just temporary things either, these changes are for good now.

On to FFT...





Loss: 1.4 lbs

Total loss: 65 lbs!!

Today's weigh in brings my weight loss to an even 65 lbs lost. I feel pretty darn good about that. And it also means I only have 20 lbs more to meet my ultimate goal. That's pretty exciting to think about. Such a long process and I'm beginning to see the light!

Running and FFT

I had a horrible couple of days as far as calories go. Not because I ate too many calories but because I was just HUNGRY. There are honestly those days that you just can't get full and I unfortunately got a couple in a row. Luckily, today was better and I didn't need to be constantly eating. But those couple days do show up in my weight loss for the week.



Loss: .5

Total Loss: 63.5 lbs


In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings I began really thinking about why I started running. And honestly why I kept running. I always used to hate it and somewhere along the way it became something that I truly love. Then today someone posted this quote that was published in Runner's World today.

"Running is a sport of goodwill. It's the only sport in the world where if a competitor falls, the others around will pick him or her up. It's the only sport in the world open to absolutely everyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity or any other division you can think of. It's the only occasion when thousands of people assemble, often in a major city, for a reason that is totally peaceful, healthy and well-meaning. It's the only sport in the world where no one ever boos anybody."
-Roger Robinson, Runner's World, April 15th, 2013

After reading that I realized that it was putting into words exactly how I feel about running. I've never really been good at sports. I'm ok at most, really terrible at basketball but actually decent at volleyball. But never was I good enough to have anyone notice or set me apart. Running however makes me feel like I'm good at it. I may not be the fastest. I may not be the skinniest. I may not even be someone who has been running for my whole life. But no matter what when I put on those running shoes and step out for a run, I feel like I belong. Running is where I found my place in the fitness world and I hope that is where my place continues to be.